Out of this whole wonderful book, I think the one thing that hit closest to home for me is this quote: “We have as much of God as we want” (Tozer, 1950, p. 133). The realization of that has sunk in over the past couple of days. As much as I wanted to be a follower of Christ, I wanted the world more.

As I was letting this sentence sink in, I was reminded of when I was growing up in church and having a deep fear of what God would call me to do if I walked closer to Him. Would I have to be a missionary and working with poor in some faraway country? Would He call me to live in the slums of some city doing something I really didn’t want to do? Those were directions I didn’t want to go. I wanted to make money, experience life, succeed in business by climbing the corporate ladder. And so what did I do? I chose to have less of God in my life. Not consciously of course, but I wasn’t comfortable with the possibilities.

The sad part is, I didn’t do God’s will for me all those years. And thankfully, I also wasn’t happy with what little I did achieve in the world. I wasn’t near death like Jonah was when he ran from God, but God didn’t let me succeed either in the world, of which I will be eternally grateful. Had I achieved and been allowed to enjoy what I wanted in my life, I wouldn’t be here now writing this post, following God’s path of service I’m on now, and growing deeper in my relationship. I just regret the lost years, but I know he can also turn those lost years for His glory in some way.

Why do you suppose we have the disconnect between knowing in our mind that God wants the best for us, but not being able to trust it in our lives? Fear? Control? Greed? Pride? Or option (e) All of the above and more?

Father, Thank you for letting me fail and for never giving up on me.

— Tozer, A. W. (1950). God’s Pursuit of Man. Camp Hill, PA: Wing Spread Publishers.